In my time coaching men from around the world through spiritual, financial, emotional and professional hardships, I've spoken to countless men who feel like they're missing that thing that makes them a real man.
They are men, like you and me, who are trying to become the men they were created to be. Yet many of them are embarrassed to confess that they feel lost and alone in the process.
They've tried to be the self-made warrior and lover they know they're suppose to be, but without guidance and direction many of them feel defeated, discouraged and confused.
Because ultimately, we all want to feel like we have what it takes to be the men we're made to be. Every man wants to know that he is enough.
Advice From A Wise Sage
One of the perks of having your own podcast is ability to chat with best-selling authors and international speakers like John Eldredge and to be able to extract some of the most profound wisdom for young men on their masculine journey.
John Eldredge has truly rocked the lives of men around the world with his epic books, like Wild at Heart, and his teachings about the masculine soul and the Father heart of God.
On episode 020 of the Becoming Men Podcast we talked about the all-to-common uninitiated man who's trying to figure life on his own. When I asked him what advice he would give to his 20-something-year-old uninitiated self, John had this to say:
"You’re not alone and you’re going to be okay.
Wait. What? That's it?
But he continued:
"I just think that so many young men like me, we got into our 20s without a lot of guidance, without a lot of fathering, without really a clear sense of how to move forward into young manhood."
That one hit me hard.
"We didn’t really know we were supposed to be the warrior that we kind of felt inside- didn’t really know how to be the lover."
"And that feeling of 'it’s up to me. I gotta figure this out. I got to make something happen, generate it.' I think so much of my 20s was a lot of fear and a lot of striving. 'Get it going, bud. Get your act together. Come on, get on top of things. Make something happen.'"
Does that sounds like anyone else's internal monologue, or just mine? John went on,
"And it was so fatherless. It was really operating in a lot of isolation.
Now, the truth is, I have a rich faith and I have a life in God. And I was going to get married at 23, so there was love in my life. But still, deep, deep down in there, I just needed an older man to come along and put his arm around me and say you’re not alone, you’re going to be fine."
Wow. Did you catch that?
"An older man to come along and put his arm around me and say, "you’re not alone."
Four Greatest Take-Aways From John Eldredge
There's a few key terms in that profound statement:
An older man.
This gets to deep and innate yearning in our souls to know and feel that we are being poured into by someone more wiser and experienced. No matter how much of a self-made man you think you are, every man benefits from being an apprentice.
Often with age comes more wisdom and experience, however, that should not limit you from seeking men who may be younger but more advanced and experienced than you in an area you might want to grow in. If the real estate guru in your city is in his 30s, it'd be foolish to disqualify him because he may be younger.
When a man gets to asking for directions, he usually encounters one of three guys. The first tells you the way. He's the guy that points into the distance and says "go left, go right." The second shows you the way. He pulls out the map and lays it out for you to see.
The third goes the way with him. This is the man that gets up out his seat, grabs the map and says "let's go." He's there in to walk you through the valleys and the mountain tops.
Put his arm around me.
Look, some men don't enjoy physical touch. And that's fine. But the point here is that you have a man that's willing to get next to you and know you. Guys do a great job at gathering around epic events but during those times little is ever talked about to create epic men. We stay away for softness and ultimately harden ourselves on the way to isolation.
But a man that's willing to put his figurative or literal arm around you is a man willing to assume a defenseless stance for the sake of covering you. He softens his demeanor and ensures you feel welcomed and cared for.
Say, "you're not alone."
The biggest, boldface, ugly, hairy lie every man believes is that he is alone in his struggles. Men think they are alone in their addictions, their repetitive failures or habitual sins. Then we pride ourselves on a principle of false humility and silently suffer, alone. Yet, it would do every man an immense amount of good to step up and step forward about his struggles and seek a wise council of men who are able to level with him.
They may not even provide you with a way out. That's not the point. But they will normalized your experience and in doing so, they will help eradicate that crippling shame of feeling like you're the only person in the world going through that issue.
Missing That Thing
In all of my coaching, I've come to realize that the thing most men are missing is not a thing at all. It's a person.
Men who are trying to become the men they were created to be, but who feel lost and alone in the process would do well to find an older man to come along and put his arm around you and tell you, "you’re not alone,"
Now, if after reading all of that you realize you need an older man to come along and put his arm around me and say, " you’re not alone," then I highly encourage you to not waste anytime; get your phone out right now and invite that man out to a cup of coffee.
But, if you are like me, and you didn't have someone in your life that could do that for you, then I would be honored to invite you on a completely free coaching call with me.
Can't wait to hear from you!